This story has been a long time coming, over 15 years to be exact. I have delayed writing this because I wanted to be in the “right” place to share my story, and now I think it’s finally time. Thankfully, this is not a story of defeat but rather redemption, not because I was strong enough to overcome this, but because God was. Without further ado, here is my story of redemption from food and exercise obsession:
My issues started when I was 10 years old. I was normal size for a 10-year-old; however, after watching TV and reading various magazines, I unknowingly came to the conclusion that being thin equals being valuable. That is when I first attempted to restrict my food intake. My strategy was to only eat my La Creme yogurt (I don’t even think these exist anymore lol) at lunch and then give away the rest of my food. I lost 5lbs and it was a great feeling – I loved the control. Then, I started gymnastics, a sport where you have to wear skin-tight leotards. Even though I had great coaches who never commented on my appearance, there was always this outside pressure to look good. I never really “starved” myself totally, I guess you could say. I knew I needed some energy for gymnastics, but I definitely over-restricted myself for sure. I was terrified of going through puberty, so that fear kept me from eating enough and allowing my body the rest that it needed.
Flash forward to college, I was on the gymnastics team, and I could feel that I was fighting so hard against my body. I then did what I always did by restricting my calories, but this time a bit more. I also started exercising even more to the point where I was literally working out 7 days a week on top of the 20 or so hours for gymnastics. That was where I found HIIT training and became obsessed with the results it got me. But all of this over-working and under-eating eventually took its toll.
I remember the summer going into my senior year of college, I was walking to the beach during vacation and almost blacked out. Everywhere I looked there were dark spots, I felt light-headed and dizzy, and honestly it was terrifying. But it wasn’t enough to stop me…. That wouldn’t happen for another 4 years unfortunately. You see, that’s what happens with idolatry, it grips you in so tight that it feels impossible to escape. You feel like you are losing part of yourself if you leave it. My idol was my body image; my temptation was my control.
My senior year of college was plagued with random and strange injuries that I had never had before. I ended up only competing the first half of my senior year due to having a stress fracture in my back, which of course was caused by overuse. Then, I pulled both of my hamstrings pretty bad while doing an ab workout, again which was very random. After I graduated college, I was still getting random injuries, like spraining my ankle jumping on a trampoline when I had never had any ankle issues before in gymnastics. Another was straining my shoulder from doing an upper body workout. My body was letting me know how broken it was over what I had done. But I still couldn’t stop.
I started grad school the summer after I graduated college and at this point, I was still over-exercising (about 1.5 hours a day 5-6x/wk) and under-eating (around 1500 calories). Though it was still less exercise than I had been doing, I still wasn’t taking care of my body in the way that I knew I should. Eventually, my body went through puberty. There was nothing that I could do to stop it. I was already doing everything that I could. It was terrifying and distressing not to have that same “control” over my body as I had thought that I had over the past 15 years. Over the next few years, I continued down the same foolish path, over-exercising and under-eating. This led me nowhere, and just made me feel tired, miserable and discontent. By believing the lie that I could find worth and satisfaction in my body instead of God, I was doing exactly what C.S. Lewis says:
“Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.- CS Lewis”
Then something happened. I slowly started to lose my desire to control my body after I had finally started to realize that all I had been doing was in vain. I was only hurting myself and making myself sick and tired. Taking Lewis’s example, I finally realized my idol of body image and traded it in for a holiday by the sea, my relationship with Christ. When I look back at this moment, I realize that it was the grace of God at work in me and not myself. I know it wasn’t with my own strength. I could not stop obsessing over my body; I tried for so long to stop, but I could not. I know how much this idol and temptation had control over me and no matter how hard I tried to turn from it on my own strength, it was futile, and I felt defeated. It was freeing to finally be able to say “no” to ungodliness and worldly passions through Christ (1 Tim. 2:11-12), and redemption came little by little.
Learning that I had an autoimmune disease (Hashimotos) caused me to change the way I view my body, which I am fairly confident to say was caused by my many years of torturing my body. I was upset that my years of sin had contributed to this, but I was willing to do whatever it took to heal for the first time in my life. I learned that too much exercise, especially intense exercise (the kind that I had been doing) is actually counterintuitive, and that it is important to balance my blood sugar and eat enough balanced meals. I finally wanted to treat my body like the temple it is, instead of destroying it.
For 1 Corinthians 6: 19-20 states:
“Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.”
Now this isn’t to say that I don’t struggle or have any bad days, because I’d be lying if I said that. However, those days are less frequent, and I am still in the process of being redeemed and will be until I get to heaven. By the grace of God, I actually desire to honor God with my body. I want to have energy and be strong and healthy, not for my own glory, but to live out the life I am called to live for Christ, and trust me, this did not come naturally. This is my story, though yours might be different, I hope it encourages you to overcome your idol and temptation and turn to Christ. Our sea-side holiday awaits.
